Rocky's Single Life

I love Niecy Nash.  Maybe  it because she is from my home town.  Or the fact that she is devoted to the elimination of nonsense and foolishness.  I think her most alluring quality is that she is a big girl and  proud of it .  ” I am proud of my jiggly parts”  she proclaimed  on  Dancing With The Stars.     This made me  think of a conversation that I had with a guy on facebook.  I told him I was going to the beach .  He typed  that he was to fat to go to the beach.  I responded  that he wouldn’t be the biggest thing on the beach.  He then typed back : That means you think i am fat.   ” If you think you are fat, then  you are” I replied.
He stopped chatting with me and  I was unfriended.   Was I supposed to tell this hungry hungry hippo he was a graceful gazelle? 

I heard a study that found that 1 out of 4 women lie  their friends in social situation to feel  superior.   In gay men, I think it would probably be  3 out of  4.   To prove my hypothesis , I decided to do some intentional eavesdropping on fat people and their skinny friends.  I found that  the  hippos that were less talkative or shy  got more positve  comments from  skinny bitches.  The “ You look fine” and ” You are not fat” comments  seem to fly like bullets from an Uzi.  The  hippos that  were ” big and proud” , talkative, and just plain  fun to be around  got a lot of  ” Shut up you, fat bitch”  and “Aren’t you supposed to be on a diet”  comments.  So the conclusion from my little study is that these insecure  skinny bitches will always try to maintain their feeling of superiority.   With the insecure hippos,  they they will encourage  a false sense of  body image thus setting them up for rude awakening later.  The rude awakening moment then leads to them to have more feelings inferiority.   With secure hippos  the skinny bitches hurl insults in an effort to tear down their self esteem.

I am so tired of guys complaining about being fat.  Mainly because, in this image concious world we live in, everyone thinks they are fat at some point.   I know I do.  When I feel that way, I add a few more reps and some cardio to my workout.  So to all of you  hippos that  bitch and moan about being fat ..Shut your damn mouth.  I say that meaning that you need to be quiet and stop eating some much.  Do something to not be fat.  Run a marathon instead of running to Ben and Jerry’s .  Instead of eating that Snickers, eat a dick.  Its fat free.  The alternative would be to just be fat and fabulous, like Ms. Niecy.   There is a contingent of  men that love a man with a body like Jello.  The moral of the story is : eliminate the fat or celebrate the fat.

I love going to a catered beach house party.  Its just something about people  serving me free drinks in a 2 million home that makes  life woth living.  In Rehoboth Beach, many of the partygoer are over 60 and whiter than the Logan Cabin  Republicans.  But thats  okay, because it makes me stand out more.  And as you all know, to be noticed by men is my  mission in life.   I noticed that the guys hitting on me seem all too confident that we are going to fuck.  The conversations revolve around where they are staying at the beach and when I am coming over. That begs the question : Do old white guys just think that young men of color are easy pickin’s?

Admittedly, I am easy like Sunday morning.  Guys shouldn’t come to that conclusion by what is on the outside but from whats on the inside . ( pun intended) .  Now there are two assumption that  I am often confronted with these oldsters.  1)  I am  “brutha” from the ghetto , I come from a broken home, and need a father figure. I had one geezer just randomly say to me ” I guess your dad wasn’t around much growing up.”   I had to correct him quickly and let him know that my parents have been married for almost 40 years and that if I did have any daddy issues I doubt he could help me with them.  2) I  immigrated from some impoverished 3rd world  southern Asian country and I am looking for both a sugar daddy or a green card.  I can tell they think this when a geezer  compliments me on how well I speak English.  This is typically followed  by ” Where are you from?”   ” I am from Missouri” I  reply.   And despite the number of time I hear it, I am always  shocked when I am then asked:  ” What language to they speak in that country?”

I sauppose I should be livid about the assumptions that are placed on me but, I am not.   My outrage and a quater will only get me a bag of chips.  One thing I learned from my octogeneraian grandomother is that senior citizens don’t give fuck.  If I was unsure  I would be breathing tommorrow, I would abandon many of my concerns.  These old timers are just trying to get their freak on the best way they know how.  When you are 70 and you pop a Viagra time of the essence. I might be the last good memory they have before senility kicks in.  I take comfort in that.

If  I take home another guy from a bar  that doesn’t suck dick I am  going to cut somebody.  This  has happened  3 times this year already.   Now when I  go home with a guy there are certain things I expect.   Now we might not fuck, but you if  you agree to go home with me there is a mutual understanding that  fellatio will occur.   To  quote a Lil’ Kim song ” If you ain’t  sucking no dick…. We don’t want it!!”  Its not like when straight men pick up women .  Women think a blow job is a bonus not  standard practice. Thats the only reason a straight guy might let  a another guy suck his dick.  He might not get head otherwise.

I am still reeling from having just heard Trey Songz’s  new song in which he claims that he puts the dick down so well that you will think he invented sex. Now, I am all for  being proud of your sexual prowess, but that claim  seems  ridiculously arrogant even to me.  And modesty is not a quality I aspire to have or admire in others. I wonder what kind of women is he boning that tell him some shit like that?  But then it occurred to me, maybe he  is a pedophile like R Kelly.  Of course a 13 year old girl will think your  dumb ass invented sex.  She probably thinks  that semen comes out of a penis in a yellow stream.

Me and my friend , Jason, had a game we  played during that 3 hour drive to the beach.  It was called Drag Me Down.  To play the game we would take turns coming up with what our drag queen names would be.  The dirtier the better.  You have to introduce yourself each time you come up with a new name.  Example ” My name is Enya, Enya Mouth.”   Here are some of my favorites.  Make sure you say the first name , then the entire name to get the full effect. Enjoy!

Sitona Johnson

Craven Moorehead

Anita Pounding

Tara Assup

Penny Trayshen

Lavina Rear

Amanda Swallow

Ida Tookit

Hope  Eucome

Phyllis Updaddy

Gladys Enormous

Ima Shoot

Sofonda Cox

Onya Knees

Shaka Cock

After I was done fucking this random trick, he decided he wanted to impress me with his sugar wall flexibility. He  proceeded to lube up a Louisville Slugger and place the entire bat his ass.  I was impressed and depressed.  His hole would probably be too stretched out for me to enjoy anytime soon.  A week later, he invited me over to fuck again and to my amazement his rectum was tighter than a virgin at a prison rodeo. So,  I had to ask how  he turned the grand canyon into the tunnel of love?  He said he douches with a solution of alum and water.  I  did not  know that a common ingredient used in baking could be so useful in the anal arts.  Apparently, it has puckering effect when it comes in contact with mucous membranes.  So if you hole is showing its mileage, try an Alum enema and keep that booty tight.

Grandma’ma was right . Beauty is pain.  I have been working out 5 times or more a week for the past few weeks in preparation for White Party 2010.  I officially  busted my White Party cherry  last  this year.  It was a amazing.   Lady Gaga  rocked the main event.  The DJ s that spun were off the chains and the parade of hot boys was  beyond belief.  Thus prompting my current grueling workout routine.   I consider myself to  be all that and a bag of crack, but those White Party boys were a serious threat to my  self esteem.  I didn’t know that human beings could have bodies like that.  I thought you only saw male physiques like that in the pages of  comic books. The entire weekend I kept looking in the mirror and telling myself  “I look good, I look really good”   Now, that was true. Its just those boys look better.  I am used to being one of the hottest guys in the room. There, I was smack dab in the middle. And nobody puts baby in the middle, unless there is a lot of liquor and lube involved.

One other phenomena I  noticed in the dessert was all the gay divorces.  Back before Prop 8, all the fags in Cali were getting married (or civil unioned ). I met a ridiculously hot couple named Jeff and Greg.  They had been married for about 2 years.   I found it quite interesting that  these guys were in their mid 40’s and between the 2 of them  had as many husbands as my dear grandmther.  (that’s 8 for those keeping score). Now considering the fact that unions in California is relatively new legality, that means these guys have to switch  husbands around the same time  they change the oil in their cars. It like Jiffy Lube Marriage. But don’t all gay relationships require regular lubrication.  With the great frivolity that these boys enter into marriage, they had the gall to brandish their wedding bands like some great symbol of power.  It was akin to the way  the comic Superhero Green Lantern used his power ring to defeat  super villains.  In this case the super villains would be the be single guys.  And in the great comic book tradition, us single-villains would be no match for the Corp of  Gay Lanterns.

Being a person of color, I could hardly want deny anyone a civil right…BUT…Marriage itself is a discriminatory institution.  Ask any single female and she will tell you how they are often perceived as half a woman without a man.   This perception is perpetuated more by other woman than men.  And since so many gay men are bitches, they would just take  that stereotype to the extreme.  There is also an economic form of discrimination for us single-villains.  There are over a thousand benefits that you gain just by putting a ring on it.   Is it fair that single people have higher insurance rates and pay more in taxes?   I think not.   Some studies have shown that gays sometimes earn 30 % more than straight people.   In this harsh economic climate shouldn’t  the ‘moes be pulling their  weight in taxes instead of buying their weight in Astroglide.  The economic benefits that  the Gay Lanterns would gain would just allow them to buy more  stuff ( cars,houses, bigger rings)  to make us single-villains seem like we have diabolical machinations that must be thwarted.

Some people  have equated the struggle for a gay rights with the civil rights movement. I agree that there are similarities  but  people of color  were actually economically oppressed  in the 60’s.  The gays of this era …. not so much.   The most similar minority would be the Jews.  They had the Holocaust and centuries of antisemitism, but in spite  of that they have a rich sense of tradition, a strong community, and (like the gays) duckets by the buckets.  Do you really think that  straight politicians are  for gay marriage because its the right thing to do?  Its the gay money.  Take  Iowa for example:   Now I have never been , but  My  aunt  Reggie is a graduate of Iowa University and she said that Dubuque was nauseatingly boring.. She often refers to the city as ” Da Puke.”   When Hurricane Katrina  left thousands of people homeless, the state of Iowa allocated millions for  victims  of Katrina  for housing, job training and other social services.  They expected hundreds of people to move there. Those programs were shut down because no one showed up. People would rather stay on cot in the Superdome than a condo in Sioux City.    Admittedly, I don’t think I would want to go from the Big Easy to the  Big…. well the big nothing.  Iowa’s economy was his hard over the past few years. They were in need of a hero.  So, they called in the Gay Lanterns.

The  Gay Lanterns  ,much like other superheroes,  come in to save the day in tight spandex.  Look how they rescued Vermont.  Vermont  was known for  a few things.  The state is famous for its abundance of  White Cheddar and White People.  According to Census data, It is  the second whitest state in the Union. The only thing of color in Vermont is the Maple Syrup.  I  find it curious that the  name of the  state sounds  close to the word  vermin. And like Iowa, Vermont does not sound like a great place to  visit or  live.  Then Vermont decided to let you put a ring on it and the gays flocked. I  think the  law allowing marriage was more  about fiscal liberties not civil ones.  A comprehensive UCLA study from March 2009 concluded that extending marriage to same-sex couples would boost Vermont’s economy by over $30.6 million in business activity over three years, which would in turn generate increases in state and local government sales tax and fee revenues by $3.3 million and create approximately 700 new jobs. Straight people like it because it brings the cash and gay people like it because it brings the ass.  It is a well known fact that when  gays move in property values sky rocket. Look at the way the NYC gays transformed Harlem from bitter hoes and garbage to Better Homes and Gardens.

What about love you say?  What about it.  Love and 25 bucks will get you a dime bag of weed.  I am not saying that love is a bad thing but is it really the only thing?  If love is so damn powerful, what do you need marriage for? Here are some lame ass reason people told me for  why you get marriage and my retorts.

Companionship. Adopt a dog from the pound. In some ways its the same set up as a gay marriage. You keep feeding either a good piece of meat and they will learn to sit ,roll over,and stay

You want to start a family.  Adopt a kid from pound. (thats right they call them orphanages).  Or  you could follow in the footstep of our beloved queen Madonna and just have a baby  daddy situation. Lola seems to be doing fine though she was born out wedlock.

You want everyone to know about your love? Buy ad space in the Blade.  If you got married you would have spent the money on the announcement anyway.  Now that you don’t have to pay for a wedding ,you can buy a full page ad.

Commitment:  Well, people also get committed to insane asylums.  Guys think that marriage is a guarantee of their relationship. I am sorry but you can get divorced the only thing guaranteed is tax benefits and palimony payments.

In a strange turn of events, I marched in the Equality March in October.  I went to see Lady Gaga speak and get laid. Mission accomplished on both.  As Lady Gaga was affirming her commitment to gay rights to everyone on the National Mall, I realized something.  I don’t have a problem with Gay Marriage, I have a problem with gay men. ( I know its a shocker).  Its the concept that  marriage will some how make gay relationships better  and in turn  make those  who are married  are 7better people. This  creates yet another dividing line in the already fragmented gay community. We already have  have  enough lines in the sand that separate us.  We are  really judgmental when it come to race, socio economic status and  physical appearance.  And the rating are terribly subject.  Do we really want  married versus single to be one of the judgment we place ourselves.I hope not because I don’t need the pressure.  In the comics, those who are  chosen to be in the Green Lantern Corp( a very diverse group)  are  considered heroes before they  got the ring.  The ring just lets them do some things they couldn’t do before.  Without the green power rings they are still a force for good.  A wedding ring will not make you a better anything.  If you think that it will , I can give you the number of a good therapist that can help you with your self esteem issues.

Anytime some religious zealot accosts me on the street screaming the phrase ” Jesus is coming” I have several retorts that have earned me a first class seat on the express train to Hell. They are:

Well, are you gonna spit or swallow?

I told him not to come in me!

Its about time .I been on my knees for hours.

Not on my good sheets!

Just like a bottom to come after he gets nailed.

I love a man that can come twice.

I will probably get a 2 bedroom condo in the ninth circle.

I find it  curious that the  MLK  holiday weekend is the same weekend as  The Mid Atlantic Leather Weekend.  I have wondered why they picked that particular weekend?  Is it because  leather is hot and it best to have the event in the dead of winter or was it just a 3 day weekend? I have friends that thinks it is complete heresy to have a weekend that has been synonymous with civil liberties be link with a weekend associated with various forms of bondage.   Upon some reflection, it makes perfect sense.  Dr. King  crusaded to make sure that all people could be  free from forced humiliation and subjugation and in a similar tradition the MAL boys are exercising the right to be voluntarily humilated  and subjugated.

If you live in DC you can not avoid  the cadre of college students on busy street corners trying  sign you up for some do gooder political action. I particularly abhor the ones  from  The World Wildlife Fund.   ” Save the Polar Bears” they cry out.  Though  ER hottie Noah Wylie is their current spokesperson, I am not swayed.   Why the fuck should I care about polar bears?   Can they fetch or do tricks?  The only thing that would make me want to save a polar bear is if  Ruth Chris Steakhouse starts grilling them up and serving them in a red wine reduction.  Then, I would want to save the polar bears… for dinner.